The longer I serve Him, the sweeter He grows.

This afternoon I wrote an email update for one of my mentors whom I have often sent such email updates to in the past. Yet, as I finished up writing this one, I thought maybe it was one to share on the blog too. 

So here it is. In all of it's rambling glory. And when I reached the end, the one thing running through my mind was, "The longer I serve Him the sweeter He grows." So thus the title of such a blog post as this. 

.................

I am in Colorado this week with my family and it has already proven to be a sweet time. A refreshing time. This summer has been hard. Like really hard. The type of hard that you can't really pinpoint and don't really feel like you have a reason for. It has been spiritually challenging and dry, a time in which more than ever God has been showing me my sin and disciplining me deeply. 

About a week ago, I realized just how embittered and angry I was towards God deep down. Again, I didn't even really know why, but could tell when it came down to it I was mad at God. I was mad at what He was doing inside me. And for the first time I was probably the most tempted than ever to just go my own way. And that was scary. Like really scary to me. 

So I started getting still and really crying out in prayer for God to change my heart and not leave me in that place... because I was identifying with disobedient and hardened Israel more than ever before as I read through Scripture. He has over and over this summer led me to chapters in Isaiah or Jeremiah where He is calling out Israel for their sin and idolatry– for choosing their own way instead of His. And that is exactly where I had found myself. 

Around a week ago, I felt like God clearly started showing and speaking over my heart, "You are not God. I am." 

I don't know when, or if there is even a specific when... or maybe it is just now being molded out of my heart in a deep way... but there cannot be any room in my heart that trusts in myself. God wants all of me. Like ALL. Like Brooklyn is to be put to death every. single. day. He is to be my treasure and the single authority over my life. Not just with the big things, but the teeny tiny things as well because they reveal my heart maybe even more than the big things. 

And if I am easily embittered as God starts calling me to forsake little trivial, earthly things, then there is still much to be molded inside of me and much to surrender and learn. 

Anyways– this is a lot of rambling, but that is what I do in these types of emails. 

So on the plane ride here, after several days of just crying out in prayer and being absolutely miserable (which is a posture we often see the Psalmists in as they know their sin and that they cannot do anything to fix it apart from God drawing them to repentance and forgiving their guilt), God again led me to Hebrews 12 where He discusses the discipline of His children. I teared up and let out that deep sigh that comes all the way from the bottom of your soul as I read those words. 

This is discipline. 

I am on an upward call to holiness. And holiness is costly. Holiness is costly. Sanctification will cost us everything we have... but it is there that we will truly find life and learn to forsake the crumbs of this world that will never fill us up. We find the authority of Christ there and truly start to deny ourselves as He has called us to do. 

The lesson I am ultimately learning (I think): 

This Christian life–following Jesus– will never be easy. It will cost us EVERYTHING. It will require us to go through dry seasons and seasons where we feel miserable with sin... but it is there we cry out and see God answer. We realize more and more that it is absolutely only by His grace and strength that we can take a single step with Jesus. And we can really trust Him to carry us and make us steadfast. 

And perhaps that is just the place He wants me as I step onto Southern Seminary's campus in nearly two weeks. 

So my update: I am still walking with Jesus. I am growing ever deeper in my knowledge of Him. He is drawing me to once again trust Him as I transition into this next season (And He is providing the trusting heart and spirit). 

And it is ONLY because He is faithful and full of grace, truth, and strength... only because He keeps us close to Him... Only because He answers our cries. 

Otherwise, I would be in the posture of trusting in self and headed towards destruction. 

How good the news of the gospel is. That Jesus loves sinners. Jesus remakes sinners. Jesus makes sinners His own and sanctifies us through His discipline. 

How much sweeter this news grows over time. 

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.         Hebrews 12:12-15

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know... I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.’      Jeremiah 33:3, 6-9

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.    Hebrews 11:6