We long for and expect our expectations to be met.
We love our own way.
It is the beginning of another year, another semester, and also the beginning of another depth in my relationship with the Lord (it seems).
This webpage knows that seminary has not been what I expected, but three semesters in and with the grace that comes with time before the Lord I can say it has been sweeter.
The pain of pruning before the Lord does yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness. I keep seeing it in more depth as I just keep walking through this season... and the Lord is kind to at times give me glimpses of the beauty He is working out within me as I cry out to Him in times of doubt.
The Lord has been settling His truth in my heart the last day or so... reminding me of His faithfulness and bringing His Word back to mind.
I am seeing where He has grown me in confidence before Him in so many new ways... learning to trust His sovereignty and care as new pressures and lessons come into play.
I find my mind going back to the book of Job... how he wrestled with feeling misunderstood, alone, confused, and doubtful. His expectations were crushed and his world seemed to fall apart for no reason. Things weren't supposed to work out that way, he thought. He couldn't pinpoint any sin or disobedience that would result in such consequences. He was in anguish. Things aren't supposed to be this way... Lord, where are You? Where did You go? What happened?
I didn't ask for this...
I also think of Psalm 37... a psalm that commands us to wait upon the Lord, to delight in Him, and to trust His faithful care. Even when it seems like the wicked are winning, like the way of the world would bring more answers and delight than following and waiting upon Jesus... even then we are called to trust that the Lord will not forsake His godly ones.
Sometimes we are put in a place where all we can do is just trust and wait.
A had a dear friend share with me my second semester here (almost exactly a year ago) as she watched the Lord begin to shatter my black and white boxes... stripping me of my expectations and comforts... that though He took them away now, she believed that He would give them back– but better– in the future. I can't help but think of that comment now as I begin a new year and the Lord continues to settle my heart before Him... sometimes the pruning has to take place, but in time the Lord does bring back the fruit... but so much better.
Our expectations are not bad oftentimes. Our dreams are not sinful. The things that make up our lives can truly be according to God's design and goodness. For Job we don't see anything contrary to that... yet even so the Lord stripped him bare in order to build a deeper trust in the Lord's sovereignty. Yet after the lesson... after the lament... after the surrender of recognizing that no matter what, the Lord was the Lord and Job had no business complaining against Him or instructing Him in how to act... the Lord gave back to Job the gifts... the expectations... the hopes... but twofold (Job 42).
Yet at that point, that was not Job's primary concern. It wasn't about living a comfortable, expectation-filled life. It was about dependence on the Lord (Job 42:2). And because a dependence and trust in the Lord had been grown in Job's heart through the trials He faced, I'm sure the gifts of family and livestock and so forth were that much more sweeter.
Because ultimately the gift isn't the thing or things... it isn't life going our way... but rather the gift is the growth in knowing more and more that the Lord keeps His godly ones and delights in their way (Psalm 37:23). It is the promise that the waves and waters will not overwhelm or the fire will not cause me to be scorched (Isaiah 43:1-2). It is knowing that His way is often through the sea and sometimes His footprints are not known or clear to us (Psalm 77:19).
Yet even so He is good.
And that is it. That is enough. That is the sweetest gift. It is the deeper wisdom He desires to sow in us.
Knowing His goodness and faithfulness in greater depths– because all true wisdom is rooted in His character, not in our understanding or expectations.
Abba, keep growing in me the peaceful fruit of righteousness... no matter the discipline or scourging it takes (Hebrews 12).