Transparency in the Process

It was about an hour ago…about 8pm on an otherwise calm Sunday afternoon and evening. I had just finished spending some time reading my Bible and was walking across the house to my mother's room. 

I was seething on the inside, though I wasn’t quite ready to admit it. 

SOMEBODY. JUST. FIX. IT. 

When all is still and I am honest with myself. Up above is what my soul is crying out. I just want the situations to stop. I want out of the pressure. I want to understand. And by all of that I just want someone to fix “it”. Whatever “it” might be on a given day or in a given season. 

And on this given evening, the Lord was leading me to passages in His Word that relate to current situations, but ones that make no sense to me or that don't seem quite clear. In short, He isn't "fixing" it like I want Him to. Instead, He is giving me wisdom as I have to walk straight through the situations, learning lessons from Him that only He knows the purpose of. 

I just want to put this out as a reminder that rarely do people see the honest, seething moments of our sanctification. 

We can do a good job at hiding it– even from ourselves. 

But the Lord is too sovereign and too faithful to His mission in saving and redeeming a people to leave us the way we are. He will place us in whatever circumstances it takes to mold us to His image... and He will patiently bear with us as long as it takes for us to stop fighting Him in the purification process. 

You see, I am a fixer. I like things to be in order and tidy. I hate messy. I hate emotions. I hate the gray. I thrive off of a clean, black and white situation. But do you know what I’m learning in this painful, yet fruitful season? 

The world is not black and white. 

Sure, there are many truths that are obvious in God’s Word that we can cling to in all situations. There are clear moral commands. I am not talking about those. 

I am talking about the day to day situations that we find ourselves in. Hardly any of them are black and white because if they were then we would have all the details and understanding to organize them as such... and we just don’t. Why? 

 Because we are not God. 

Only He holds all the pieces in that way. 

And for this 23 year old who easily makes an idol out of control and understanding in order to gain a false sense of security, that is a truth that if I am being utterly transparent is rocking my world. It hurts. 

However... 

It hurts because it is my natural, fleshly tendency. The sinful tendency to want to be God and rule my own little kingdom in which I have all the answers and everything stays just “so”. And that is a kingdom that must die. I make an awful god. 

So it hurts, but it is the type of hurt that will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness in time (Hebrews 12). And that is why I make a post that is so public… as a reminder that let’s all remember that for any peaceful fruit of righteousness we see in one another, there was most likely an ugly crying, grieving, angry, lamenting, crucifying of self behind closed doors that you did not see… and that is where this false sense of reality in thinking that the Christian life is one of peaceful rainbows and butterflies takes root rather than remembering it is a painful long pilgrim journey… 

Yet it is a journey I want to be found trekking along until the bitter end. No matter the cost. No matter the hardship or pain. 

Just whatever it takes to make me look more like Jesus and hear the words “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” 

Hebrews 12:7-11

7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we had [e]earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of [f]spirits, and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. 11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

The Mercy in Excitement

 

It is August and another school semester is about to begin. I find myself just as giddy as I was as a thirteen year old in my mom's children's clothing store unwrapping ABeka books for our homeschool curriculum. I love school. I love the promises of fresh books to be delved into, notes to be taken, and papers to be written. Part of me is surprised that as a 23 year old I still get to be in school. I still get to feel the excitement of ordering books and unboxing them as I get ready for the first day of class. 

But this excitement is both nostalgic and also incredibly gracious of the Lord to provide right now. The fact that there is even room for excitement is a great mercy after the first year I have experienced at seminary. 

I find myself excited about many things lately– the start of new courses, time spent with beloved friends, the chance to serve precious professors and church family. 

And it is a gift. A mercy. 

Because a year ago, I was simply surviving. I was simply stepping one foot in front of the other, weary before I even began here on Southern's campus. 

I remember moving into my sweet, little apartment around this time last year. I was terrified. And that feeling surprised me. I hadn't quite felt it in the way I was experiencing it at the time. I remember sitting across from the girl who I met down the hall from me, who quickly became a trusted sister, sharing through tears as I watched everyone else filled with such expectation and excitement that I was scared– I was weak– I was coming into this already weary after the summer the Lord had led me through. You see, the Lord began to show me before I even arrived in Louisville that this season would be hard. Like really hard. It would be humbling. And not the sort of academic hard or just away from home hard, but the type of hard where the Lord of the universe is exposing and sifting your heart of idols and things you had unknowingly clung to for security and identity... and doing so in the midst of the unknown and new school work and away from everyone who is familiar. 

I cannot tell you the tears, the lament, the looking up at my roommate or church members with a face of "Am I going to make it?" 

I felt utterly bruised at moments. 

But oh to be on this side. 

The joy that comes in the morning. 

He has bruised me. He has humbled me. He has scourged me. And I know it will continue, but there are glimpses of sweet trust and excitement left in the places of those bruises as they heal– as I am slowly learning more and more to trust the Father's molding hand, to not tense up as a hardened lump of clay, but to remain soft and moldable as I cry out, "Whatever it takes, Lord. Keep changing and molding me however You wish...in whatever way it takes." 

As you learn to lean into instead of fight the waves the Lord is sending, you begin to dance and sing in the midst of those tossing waves. You begin to splash around as there is water all around and you still don't know what all of this is leading to as you say, "Keep going, Abba, keep going! I'll wait and sing right here in the midst of it." 

"I trust You." 

And one of the small fruits of all of this is the room to actually be joyful, excited, and expectant about my fall classes, to be excited and grateful for the afternoon that I grab the spike ball net and enjoy some exercise with friends in the quad. 

Oh, all discipline for the moment does not seem to be joyful, but sorrowful. Yet for those who are trained by it, it will lead the peaceful fruit of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). 

Abba, thank You so much for Your fruit. Even just glimpses of it. 

I ask for the grace to be able to keep bearing it– now matter how slow. No matter how painful. 

Because I see just a little bit more that Your hand truly is always working for my good. 

Truly and always. 

May you see the same in your life, brother or sister. And if not yet, trust the process. Trust the One who promises to never let you go (John 11:28-29; Deuteronomy 31:6). The season of harvest will come. It always does as you keep walking with Him. He is too sovereign to let you go or finish the work He has begun in you (Philippians 1:6). 

And here is a picture from a video of friends surprising me with birthday cake earlier this summer. Sheer joy and thankfulness. Yet the picture seems fitting now as I am learning to smile and grin even with my eyes closed so to speak, with hands open to receive any and all that the Lord is doing in and around me. 

He is calling and He has shown Himself: Reflections on Frozen II

 

This past weekend I had the chance to watch Frozen II and I was struck in many ways by how I saw the truth of the gospel reflected, and even more importantly caught glimpses of how the movie shows that our society is desperate and reaching for its goodness and truth. 

To be completely transparent, I remember trying to watch Frozen II right when it was released on Disney + years ago but was turned off by the nature-y, New Age-y "into the unknown" vibes I was getting so within fifteen minutes I switched to watching something else. My thought then was a bit of disgust at how New Age-y our world was getting in listening to strange sounds and feelings and wanting to follow them. Yet a year or two later as I watched, I saw something completely different. 

The movie centers on Elsa, who is being drawn "into the unknown." She is being drawn away from what is comfortable and normal to her to pursue a call that she senses is true, right, and good. On the surface, there can be many interpretations for this. "Comfortable and normal" can be viewed as traditional and objective which our society sees as bad and something to run away from. And many could read that meaning into this storyline. However, there is a gospel parallel here when you look at the narrative from a different angle, and although it is easy to gloss over the story and quickly frame it as society's anthem to run into false, unprecedented unknowns, I think our society is grappling with something deeper and by creators making this story, such is being exposed whether they realize it or not. 

All of us were made in God's image. Whether you submit to the God of the Bible or not, it does not change the fact that He created you and formed your being and that you were made for Him and His purposes, which are for your good. I would propose that a major theme that can be seen in Frozen II is God's call on our lives to come to Him, lay down our lives, and find our true identity and purpose in Him as our Creator. And I think it is a call that our society is majorly grappling with as they continue to try to run away from Him in their post-modern thinking that seeks to find truth in anyone or anything but Him. 

Let's look at some of the lyrics from the movie so I can explain. 

I can hear you, but I won't
Some look for trouble
While others don't
There are a thousand reasons
I should go about my day
And ignore your whispers
Which I wish would go away

The first verse starts off with Elsa admitting that she hears a voice, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to admit that she hears the voice because she fears what it will bring. She senses it will turn her world upside down and demand things of her. Yet nevertheless "the whispers" keep coming though she so desperately wishes they would stop. 

In light of God's call, this can be seen as the conviction people begin to experience as God begins opening their eyes to His truth in that they were made to be in a relationship with Him. He starts drawing us in and wooing us to Himself by calling after us, showing us that life is only found in Him. Yet we fight it so often in the beginning. We don't want Him. We want ourselves. We want life to revolve around us and our schedules, our idols. We don't want a new life. We want what feels "normal" and "natural" to us which is our sin and rebellion against God. 

The second part of verse one is very similar, but expands this idea a bit more, leading to the main point. 

You're not a voice
You're just ringing in my ear
And if I heard you, which I don't
I'm spoken for, I fear
Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls
I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls
I've had my adventure, I don't need something new
I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

Here, Elsa is still denying she hears the call yet she reveals a bit more about why she seeks to deny it. It is because everyone (or everything) "she has ever loved is here within these walls." I can't help, but specifically think of the LGBTQ/LGBTQIA movement when I hear this line, though I know the writers were not thinking (or realized they were thinking) of the meaning I hear in it. Our society is spiraling into unbelief and immorality. Everyone defines their own truth and meaning, and anything goes as being good for someone as long as it "feels right" to them. We incase ourselves with people who will affirm our feelings and desires, and destroy or cancel anyone who does not line up with our view. For those in the LGBTQ community specifically, I know it is incredibly hard to consider leaving that lifestyle because of the community they sense around them. It feels incredibly uncomfortable to leave a community that has done nothing but made them feel affirmed and seen. And I do want to point out that this goes for any other lifestyle in our society, we are a people that don't want to be challenged. We want to rule and govern ourselves and decide what is right and then surround ourselves with people that will affirm us in our thinking. We hate objectiveness, we will only affirm subjectivity. Yet we are dying. We are grappling. Such subjectivity and affirmation aren't working to fill the holes in our hearts and chests. It isn't working. 

And it is because it is leading us away from the very One who came to die for our sins so that hole in our hearts can be filled. Yet this God, the One true God of the Bible, is faithful to call rebellious, lost sinners to Himself. People want to remain safe inside their walls of self-deception and idolatry, they don't want a new life, they fear what will happen if they admit that they sense God's conviction and call on their life, yet the Lord keeps calling and wooing them... into the unknown so that they can be KNOWN. 

Here, I want to jump down to a part of the second verse because by this point you can probably see the parallels within the rest of the lyrics. 

Or are you someone out there
Who's a little bit like me?
Who knows deep down
I'm not where I'm meant to be?

Every day's a little harder
As I feel my power grow
Don't you know there's part of me
That longs to go

In the song, Elsa keeps wrestling through the call as she begins to cry out "Are you someone out there who's a little bit like me?" Now again, the first time I heard this I thought, "Here we go again. This is getting to society's lie that you just need to go "be you" and define life and meaning for yourself. 'Go off and see that there are more people like you. You're not bad. Go be different. Going against tradition is good no matter what people say.'" However, I think there is a deeper meaning here that society is wrestling with. Believers can read this lyric as society crying out after spending years of sowing seeds of immorality and false ideologies and realize, "Is there someone out there who's a little bit like me?" Or even more clearly, "Is there Someone out there who made me... and is telling me deep down I am not where He created me to be?" 

The lyric continues, "Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow, don't you know there's part of me that longs to go..." God's conviction never eases. He loves us too much to leave us as we are. And deep down, for all of those who are being called by God into a relationship with Himself, who are called to forsake their sin and trust in Jesus, we long to do so because we sense His all-powerful, true, life-giving love... and we know that we were made for it and it is the one thing that will fill our hearts like nothing else will or could.

There are a few more parallels I want to draw out before wrapping up, but this requires looking at Elsa's second song, "Show Yourself."

At this part in the movie, Elsa has committed to following the voice to learn what the voice is calling her to do. As she approaches where she believes the voice is, she begins singing "Show Yourself," proclaiming she is ready to learn whatever it is the voice has to show her. 

I would encourage you to go listen to the song because I am not going to unpack it line by line here, but ultimately the song shows Elsa's trembling fear yet also anticipation and excitement at discovering this voice. She longs to know why the voice is calling and is ready to submit to its authority in whatever the voice reveals. The song has beautiful, climatic music behind it that captures this tone well. 

Yet, I think it is a climax that society is at. We as humans do not demand God to show Himself. No, He willingly did that when He became a man and dwelt among us, living a sinless life that resulted in a sacrificial death on a cross which was done on our behalf. Yet for anyone hearing His call, as they step towards Him both in fear of His holiness yet expectation and excitement for His promised love, forgiveness, and acceptance, He is there. He is near. He is eager to receive those who repent and believe. 

In this scene in the movie, as Elsa finds and sees what the voice has to reveal, she is overcome by absolute emotion. Tears fill her eyes and an expression of complete known-ness is depicted. She feels found. She knows she is known. 

I would beg society, proclaim to them– this is the story of Scripture. God calls us. We cannot deny that call when it is Him wooing our hearts. May it be said that He is worth risking everything for, He is worth surrendering and forsaking all idols and sin for. And when we do we find our true identity in the Lord's love and grace and mercy. His love and forgiveness change our identity. He fills us up. He never leaves us or forsakes us. 

He has shown Himself, world. His call feels as if it is into the unknown, but it is the only way we can be known and find true peace and rest. 

I urge you, recognize where this world's lies and ideologies, where your own idols and rebellion are leading you. They will not fill up or satisfy. You will never be able to rectify your choices or make them right on your own. Turn to Jesus, turn to the One in whose image you were made. Seek Him while He may be found. Trust His lovingkindess and be found. Turn from your own sinful ways, and see that the Lord is there willing and already showing Himself to you. 

And be found. 

Be truly free indeed. 

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 

John 8:36

Fresh Hope: His Sovereignty Rules Over All

 Hi, little blog. 

Once again it's been a bit since you have seen a post, but I think it is time to share again. 

Goodness, you have seen some years. Years of growth in who Jesus is and how He carries season by season. 

This post will be no different than the others– it's a signpost, a memorial. It is a claim that once again the Lord is showing His faithfulness and unchangeable-ness to you. 

Except this time, it feels like the first layer in your truly adult years. You are no longer the 12-year-old baby believer tucked away in your mother's clothing store, logging on to do your homeschool curriculum with simple Bible verses pasted above your school desk as you learn to stand firm against the evil one. 

You are no longer the itty-bitty 14-year-old walking into Lamar High School ready to "be a light" to all her peers, hoping to please her Abba by being a good witness and soldier for Him. You are no longer the 18-year-old sitting in her classes at OBU thinking she has all the answers and knows how this will play out, living in the familiarity of a campus she knew for years before even arriving as a freshman. 

No, now you are a mere 22-year old. Freshly humbled. Realizing you have no idea how any of this will turn out. You do not know if or whom God will provide as a spouse. You do not know which friendships will be lasting and which ones will not. You don't know how He will call you to specifically serve Him in the coming years or where you will even live in the next 3-6 months as you continue navigating this season of theological studies. 

You do not even know what your spiritual growth will look like in the coming weeks and which layers of your old nature He will sift and expose, comfort and heal. 

You do not know. 

You are not in control. 

This is not your world. 

But...

You do know one thing,

The truest thing. 

You know the Lord God. 

The One who made the heavens and earth and in whom there is no shifting shadow. You know Him who has made you complete and called you His own.

And that is all you need to know. 

Because He is the same One leading you through this season as He was leading you through all the other ones up to this point. And He has gotten you through each of those, hasn't He? This one will be no different. 

............................................

You see, the difficult thing about transition seasons is your world changes, or so it seems. New things are added to your plate. New circumstances. New feelings. New struggles. 

It can feel disorienting and confusing. 

But it hit me today to finally admit to myself that my world does in fact look different in this season. I am no longer the pre-teen homeschooler, or the high school cheerleader and student council leader, or OBU student. My world has changed. It is expanding. There are new pressures and circumstances. New feelings and struggles. New fears and loves. 

But in the midst of that confession– once I am honest about that– the truth sets in. The Lord rules over all these new things too. Just because my world is expanding and changing does not mean His has. In fact, He has ordained this new season. 

That brings tremendous comfort and ease, even in the midst of what can feel extremely disorienting. 

And I am reminded that this hasn't been a "new" feeling. Each season's change has felt hard, different, new, and scary. It's just that this one has shown the most contrast and intensity up to this point.

But my Abba is over it all. 

It is as if my heart finally settled to some extent today, that though my world is changing, He truly doesn't. 

I don't like my world to change. I don't like the black and white boxes to be moved. But oh the comfort in realizing and remembering that there is One who created me who rules over all the boxes. And He places and organizes them in a way that is far better than my way. 

He isn't a God who delights in disorienting and bringing confusion to our "worlds", but rather calls us to trust in the way He orients and orders the world He has made. 

What a thought. 

May we stop striving against that. Or at least may I stop striving against that. Because it is there that there is sweet, sweet rest. 

..........................

I don't know what season you are in. Whether you are just entering college, marriage, or welcoming another baby into your home. Whatever the transition, I encourage you, look to the One who rules over the transition. 

Your world and experience are expanding and it can be incredibly frightening because you feel out of control and unprepared, but take heart in that you serve a God whose world never expands or changes. 

Because His Sovereignty rules over all. 

May that bring fresh hope and peace to your worried, striving soul. 

Your fellow sis in Christ, 

Brooklyn