Holding On

It’s been awhile since I have been in the blogging world. I haven’t done much writing or reading on blogs. I honestly haven’t done much talking either. I want to share with all of you some of the things I have been dealing with these past few months.

As some of you may know, I have spent my freshmen year back in public school. The previous three years I have been home schooled at my Mom’s local children’s boutique. I still haven’t caught my breath, the thought hasn’t sunk in. It’s as if that part of me or that life was simply put on pause and I just started somewhere else. And now I feel as if I need to go back and finish that part, make the correct transition into the sudden change. I look back on those three years and think how that could have been me or how is this me now.

What happened?

I remember vividly the day my mom told us that she wanted to apply for the teaching position at the high school. Being a Home EC. teacher had always been her dream. I can recall the feeling of excitement and fear, all at once, of being back in a public school. The thought felt unreal, as if it would never happen. And now I look at myself and still ask the same question, “What happened?”

The only thing on my mind, when I was told of the possibility, was how God was going to use me. How strong and firm I would be….. How much joy I would bring to my friend's life….. And most of all how brightly I would shine. But I look at myself now and my motives and see that I am not accomplishing what I intended. I am not where I once was.

The enemy knew my plan right away. And of course, he hated it. He wanted it destroyed. He went to work very quickly. I struggled all summer with bad days; with trials and battles. I stayed strong for the most part. Kept reading my bible, praying, and telling God that I wanted to shine when I arrived at school on my first day in high school. The first day came, I felt Him with me and overall strong. I must tell you that I have a virus called Epstein Bar Virus which means I am always tired, having little energy. Anyways, I began school and sat in my classes thinking “Is this really happening?” “Am I really here?”

As school progressed, I still struggled with the same battles, had the stress of school, and felt the realization of just how difficult it would be to function with my virus. I was stressed, busy, and tired. All a perfect combination for the enemy to attack.  I was weak spiritually and even though I was praying constantly, I wasn’t deep into my bible studying. I was weak.

I had basically shut down. I haven’t talked very much because my mind is always racing. I smile and try to be happy, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling exhausted, all the trials, and feeling alone. I looked at myself every day and thought “This wasn’t the plan.” I am supposed to be overflowing with joy and God’s strength. We know it is God’s plan that the four of us are here so why do I feel so empty? This is a time when I am supposed to be at a high point in my spiritual walk with God, but yet I feel as if He is making me feel as low as possible.

 

“God, what are you doing?” “How am I possibly going to get through this?” “Lord, I know I am not strong enough at this point in my spiritual walk to handle all of this.” “I just can’t.”

 

I could barely breathe. There were days that I would feel God’s strength so strongly. I felt a glimpse of the answer to everything, but would get knocked back down and hit with something else. Even on my strongest days, I felt doubt that I couldn’t possibly be finished with all the trials. There had to be more, and would it ever really end. I knew I needed to dive deeper into my bible, but didn’t know where to go. Some mornings I would watch Charles Stanley trying to ease my doubts and pains. Most of my sufferings came from my thoughts. I prayed that God would make me stronger, pure, and learn the lesson to which He obviously wanted me to grasp. I have felt this whole time that it is coming, the time in which God would reveal himself to me in a way words could never describe, and I would hear his whisper “Your faith has made you well, go in peace.”

 

I still struggle. Hard. Some days it takes a lot to admit you are hurting; that you need prayers. You feel like shutting yourself out because it couldn’t possibly get better. The trials still surround me and I look to God for his strength. I won’t give up. He has a plan and a plan I want to fulfill. I ask for all of your prayers.

Never Give Up. Hold On.

 

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Psalm 46:5

It's Simply Fall

Crisp. The word not only defines autumn, but defines a texture, taste, emotion, and personality. One of my favorite phrases my family uses to describe me is Crisp and to the Point. Crisp means to be serious, to be strong, independent, secure with yourself. Maybe that is why I love the Fall season so much. Simply because of the crisp, autumn air every morning?
It hits you two steps out the door. Which is the same time you look up to examine God's beauty around you. You hear the birds chirping as you walk down the porch steps, your walking slowly of course since you have a ten pound bag on your back. You have a cup of coffee with just enough whip cream and caramel which was delicately placed just so.
Your coffee has the most blissful taste in Autumn. Your not hesitant to take a sip of your hot cup of joy because of the fright of more heat entering your body on a humid, summer day. Or too quick to take a mouthful of burning liquid which demoralizes you for the next thirty minutes simply because you could not wait to feel the hot addiction in your freezing body, hoping it would help your freezing toes come back to room temperature. But instead, a sip of your homemade caramel latte has just the right amount of bliss filled in it's delicacy as it calms the small amount of nippiness to all the things Fall is made up of.
The way a morning or afternoon walk can calm every stress deep inside. It's again something that the season is capable of doing.
No matter where you are, each glance of scenery looks like it should be photographed and posted inside a calendar.
The season brings the blissful joy of each of these and offers so much more.
It's simply Fall.

Blog Lovin

Hey guys! I just recently joined blog loving! I plan to redesign my blog and make some changes to the layout. That is why some of the gadgets are missing right now!

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5574823/?claim=cpp8fkzyf3x">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

im coming back, little blog

 i have been oh so busy lately you got pushed to the bottom of my to do list. i have missed you. very. much. soon you will be filled with all types of (hopefully) inspiring words, random, last minute photo shoots, and effort. you will have feeled love again my little darling. 
i assure you i am coming back, little blog.

stand firm

As teenagers Satan is constantly trying to attack us. He wants us to fail and be miserable. Right now I am going through a spiritual battle and that is how you have to look at it – a battle. This world is so……well…..worldly. Satan has been busy. He will try anything and everything. One Sunday night I was sitting in my discipleship class and all of a sudden out of nowhere I got all this evil thoughts and my heart completely dropped. I can’t even explain the moment it all happened so fast. The devil attacked me so hard in that moment I even felt like God had let me slip from his hands. I immediately started praying short, little prayers in my head. “God please I can’t do this without you.” “I need you more than anything right now!” “Please make it stop!” Class was almost over and as soon as it was I went and found my mom. I needed a hug and feel some relief somehow. I found her and told her what happened and asked why it was suddenly so hard to have faith. She told me it was just Satan trying to tear me down. So I stood there in my mom’s arms and just cried. She then prayed for me and we went into the sanctuary. The reason I told you this was because I think a lot of us are getting attacked very hard. And the only thing I can tell you is to pray that God will protect you from Satan. Read your bible and find scriptures to help you throughout the day. Here are some scriptures I have come across that help.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s evil schemes. Ephesians 5:10-11       

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Ephesians 5:16

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. Ephesians 5:13

Guys, we have to be ready.  By saying ready I mean we have to have that foundation of knowing what the bible says and having a strong relationship with our Lord. And then we have to stand. Another verse that has really spoken to me is 1 Peter 5:7-10.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brother throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:7-10

I can’t tell you how real this verse is to me. How true it is. I cast my anxiety on Him every day. I have to be self-controlled and alert all day because I am in a battle. I can’t be eating grapes on the 
sidelines! The devil IS like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. He already has a plan. I have to resist it and try to block it out as much as I can and stand firm in my faith. One day I was talking to a close friend telling her how hard my spiritual life has been lately. Her response was immediate telling me the same thing had been happening to her and that it scared her. So there you go; your brothers around the world are suffering with you. That’s why I am making this post. But God will restore you and make you stronger, firm, and steadfast. One day you will meet someone who is going through the same thing and tell them you have been there. You can give them some encouragement and hopefully they will feel peace. God can use you because of the things you’re going through. I hope this has really spoken to your heart. It will get better you just have to stand firm.

outfits by moi

 

Photoshoot

These are some pictures that my sister and I took this weekend. Enjoy!

 

 

God of Wonders

I could sit and look at the sky all day. I love watching the clouds pass. When I get to heaven I want to have the job of painting the sunrise and sunset everyday. The majority of the pictures I take are of the sky so I decided to do one big blog post of all the pictures I have taken. I would also like to say that none of these pictures were edited. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

Softball

The dirt on your cleats, dust in your eyes, the tangles in your ponytail. The amazing feeling when you make a perfect hit in the center of the bat. When you slide into home. But most of all when you watch the ball you just flicked go right into the catchers glove and hear the umpire yell "STRIKE!". When you make a perfect play with your twin sister standing behind you on first base. The feeling of the stitches of the ball on the tips of your fingers as you wind up to pitch. Going out everyday and practicing pitching. The soreness that never goes away for two months. I love all of these things. Softball starts in a month and I can't wait. :)

I wouldn't say I hate anyone. But there always is that one person on every team who gets on my nerves.